The Single Man vs The Matchmaker

March 21, 2011 in The Single Man with 38 Appreciated Comments

If you’re a guy, and you’re in your 20s or 30s and are still single, chances are you have one.

The Dreaded Matchmaker.

You probably won’t recognize them at first. They like to assume the shape, voice and characteristics of your nearest and dearest friends, family members, co-workers, fellow students…even minor acquaintances. They can pop up anywhere.

You’ll know them by one defining characteristic:

They know the perfect girl for you.

Sometimes, your matchmakers will be right on – they know a single girl who seems to be everything you’re looking for: funny, smart, attractive, loves God, , and you couldn’t be more excited that they are trying to hook you up.

But beware! There are times when their idea of the perfect girl and your idea of the perfect girl are drastically different.

I’m often surprised at the women who are called “perfect” for me:

A single woman who has been married and divorced twice (apparently I am the one to fix her??)
A single woman who was literally a head taller than me (I guess they wanted me to carry a step-stool around with me)
A single woman who wants nothing to do with God (um…my number one requirement is that she love Jesus, thank you very much)
A single woman so far in debt that I would be working the rest of my life to get her out (um…no thanks)
A single woman with two kids who is still hung up on her ex (I’m not even going to attempt to come into that mess)
And countless women who I don’t find attractive in the least (those are always fun to explain away)

It makes me wonder what these matchmakers really think of me.

And while I know their intentions are good (I mean, they are trying to help me find someone), sometimes it’s hard to handle a matchmaker. If you don’t like their match, if you aren’t jumping up and down for joy when they suggest someone you should date, there’s something wrong with you.

Or you’re just being too picky.

At the same time, if you follow through on their suggestion, if you don’t let them know you aren’t into their friend or coworker or neighbor or cousin’s goddaughter twice removed (I don’t even know what that means), you’ll be stuck dating women you have no interest in.

So I’ve come up with a few ways that I handle the matchmakers in my life – to keep me sane and to prevent any trouble in our friendship:

Be honest. If a matchmaker in your life is trying to set you up with someone you are not interested in, tell them. Be gentle about it, but be honest. Otherwise they will continue to set you up with women you have no interest in.
Be gentle. The truth is, the matchmakers in your life DO care, and do want to see you happy. So if you aren’t interested in who they want to set you up with, let them down gently. They may eventually have someone who you are interested in – don’t burn that bridge.
Don’t be too picky. We all have the ideal woman we want to find. Maybe she’s funny. Maybe she’s generous. Maybe she looks like a super model. Maybe she loves God. Maybe she’s all four (please, God, please!!). And while it’s a good idea to know what you’re looking for, so you don’t settle for just anyone, you can’t be too picky. You need to know what are your non-negotiables (i.e.- the qualities/characteristics that a woman must possess in order for you to even give her the time of day) and what are your preferences (qualities you would like to have in a girlfriend/fiance but aren’t deal breakers). You’d be surprised how God can give you what you didn’t think you wanted.
Don’t tell a matchmaker that you’re going on a date. I’ve been single for a while, so whenever I talk to a girl, whenever I’m interested in someone, my friends like to jump to the conclusion that this is the perfect girl for me. I get the constant teasing: “I saw you talking to so-and-so…when are you going to propose?” or “You talked to a single girl?! When are you going on your first date?” or, my absolute favorite “What are you going to name your first child?” I can’t tell you how many relationships with girls have been strained because my friends immediately start asking when I’m going to get married to a girl I just met. Best thing is just to not tell them until you are in a relationship.
Laugh about it. It never seems to fail – whenever I go home to visit, my mom always asks when I’m going to make her a grandmother. I always roll my eyes. Apparently I’m not trying hard enough. So instead of getting mad about it, or telling her it’ll happen when it happens, I tease her – and tell her that if she gives me $1000 I’ll order my Russian-Mail-Order-Bride right now. She usually hits me.

So what about you?

What advice to you have for dealing with matchmakers?

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About Jason Vana: Jason is an imaginative leader with a heart to ignite younger generations to impact the world for Christ. He currently lives in Monmouth, Illinois, and oversees Ignite Student Ministries - a dynamic ministry to ignite youth, young adults and university students to passionately pursue Christ and transform society in high schools, work places and universities around the world.

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http://verymuchlater.com Jake

I basically thought I was going to marry my last girlfriend. I kept hearing, “Don’t mess it up!” from TONS of people. We just had… different paths ahead of us, so it didn’t work. Oh well. On the matchmaker note…. I have this OLD LADY (They’re the culprits) who has been praying for me, basically begging me to marry a girl who helps lead with me… for years. I keep telling her that God’s that strong, He’s just not that mean (Of course, I say that indicating that He wouldn’t force the poor girl to marry me but I’m really thinking that He’s to nice to make me marry her.)

Blah.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

I know the feeling, Jake. I have a buddy in Czech who keeps trying to hook me up with any single girl he knows (yea, I’m talking about you Beno!), not to mention my old church would even sometimes point it out in sermons or partnership meetings that I’m single and need to find someone. Nothing like making you feel out of place than pointing you out for being single.

My mom is the funniest though. She keeps asking me when I will make her a grandmother, since her younger sister already has 3 grandchildren. I tell her I can either get a Russian Mail Order bride, or just whore myself around until she finds one. Sometimes I even say: “how do you know you aren’t already a grandmother?”

I usually get hit.

Jonathan B

Charity matchmaking via the sermon! That has to top the list on matchmaker terrors.

If I ever go the mail order bride route, I’d probably go Asian rather than Russian though. If I’m going to purchase a marriage to a complete stranger, Asia has a stronger tradition of the obedient and respectful wife and in my personal opinion, as a region Asia produces more beautiful women that retain their beauty into later life than the Caucasian women. :>

http://www.messiahmom.wordpress.com kristinherdy

Single girls (esp. single moms?) get it too. My family, thankfully, are not that annoying about it (probably because I’ve already given them grandchildren!), but friends, co-workers, my students and, unfortunately, my oldest daughter, have tried to set me up with someone.

I politely thank them for their concern for me and say that God’s got the person in mind, so, that takes all the pressure off them to fix me up with Mr Right.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

I like that response, Kristin! Might have to use it sometime.

I live in such a small town where most young people just up and leave, that my choices are to go to the bars to find someone, or try to pursue a college girl who is at least 8 years younger than me. So whenever a single girl shows up in anyone’s radar, it’s obviously meant to be.

I’ve been wanting to get involved in a church that is about an hour away from my house, geared more towards young adults, but I just don’t have the money to make that weekly commute. So it’s up to God to work something out!

Logan

My older sister is the most notorious matchmaker in my life. We finally reached an agreement where I will allow her to set me up on one blind date per year. So far, she has set me up with:
* A girl who (on the first date) told me all the things she wouldn’t allow her husband to “get away with” once she got married;
* A girl who worked in a meat packing plant, and was possibly more of a man that me;
* A very cool girl – smart, funny, someone I had a lot in common with. If it wasn’t for the fact that she’d just gone through a divorce two months ago and had no interest whatsoever in dating, it could’ve turned out quite nicely.

She’s been awfully quiet this year; I’m starting to get a little nervous….

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Wow – your sister knows how to pick them Logan! Maybe we should start a pool to see when this year’s blind date will happen…and what the girl will be like!

http://www.tonyjalicea.com Tony Alicea

I’ve had countless people try to set me up. There actually have been a number of girls that seem to be a good fit for me “on paper”. They have the resume but there’s just no chemistry. You just can’t force that.

I’m a firm believer that it will be a natural occurrence. Every time I’ve tried to force something, it always blew up in my face.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

I feel the same way, Tony. I’m a firm believer it will just be a natural occurrence. I’m not opposed to being set up, but if there’s no chemistry, there’s no chemistry. The worst is when I get called picky because there is one single girl and I’m just not interested. I get the whole “you’ll never find someone if you’re too picky – and how do you know that you won’t have chemistry with her” speech. Fun times.

http://www.twitter.com/davidclark David Clark

Completely agree with this, Jason — Happened to me many times. But when you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. How is that being too picky?!

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

That’s what I don’t get either, David! Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

http://www.twitter.com/davidclark David Clark

No problem, man — refreshing & encouraging to hear another guy talk so openly about singleness. Appreciate your honesty! Keep it coming.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Well, I try to do at least one Single Man vs post each week, whether it’s thoughts like this one regarding the feeling/struggles of being single or sharing life skill issues like cooking, cleaning, etc. I’m sure there will be plenty more posts to share!

http://www.twitter.com/davidclark David Clark

Sweet! I’m new to the blog, so I’m looking forward to reading more!

Micah

I have fought this war! But my tactics are a little brutal when the matchmaker decides to come a callin’. My mother is the one who pushes the most. I am the oldest of her three and she is suffering from what one of my friends calls IWGN syndrome; I Want Grandchildren NOW! My mom gets furious with me when she mentions a particular girl that she knows or has met through the theater she works for. She mentions and I immediately say no. Then the accusations fly, “Why not? Are you afraid? You’re being too picky!”

The truth is, I am not picking at all anymore.

I am tired of the dating game, and even more so with the Christian young women in this town (I hope it is different elsewhere!). They all want to date men who are not Christian (I call it whoring for Jesus) and when asked about it, can’t give a reason. Or they’re dating Jesus. I love that one.

The quick shutdown I give to the matchmakers in my life is facilitated by events that I have gone through and the resultant effects of them. I will die someday, and I want to live well. I can’t do that while worrying about when Ms. Fairy Tale finally shows up. And I won’t waste time worrying about that possible ‘her’. My ability to kindly but quickly shutdown any matchmaking is a result of this need to find what it is Yahweh put me on this earth to do and use that passion to get busy doing it. Team that with the fact that one day I will have to pay the Boatman his wages, and I have no time for this game.

Cynical, definitely. But also reasonable. I am not shutting the door permanently, but it is defintitely shut for now with a “No Soliciting” sign for all the matchmakers who might darken my door to see.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

I have heard countless times from the “love experts” in my life that it’s when you finally stop looking that you find the elusive “One,” so maybe you’re more on the right track than you think! LOL

I would definitely challenge you to use this time to pursue your passions and allow God to use them to help you journey closer to your calling. The more you do that, the more your character and relationship with God will grow, and the more ready you will be when that perfect lady comes walking into your life!

http://www.bigb94.webs.com Brandon

Haha! This was good!

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Thanks Brandon! I tried to make it more funny than serious, although a lot of the points are true.

http://betachristian.net Moe

I’ve had a share of people trying to fix me up when I was single. Like you, I had a few duds. LOL.

I would just tell matchmakers what you are looking for. This way, they can avoid sending you some girls that make you run to another state.

With that said, you never know what can happen. You may fall in love with someone who you “didn’t think” will be a good fit. I’ve had to eat my words a few times in relationships.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Oh yea, and I try to be as open as possible with any suggestions, but sometimes, I know the person in advance and am just not interested.

Or she’s gigantor and there’s no way I’ll date someone a head taller than me!

http://www.noahlomax.com Noah Lomax

Jason,

I love this post! Whenever I hear “I know the perfect girl for you,” I get a little nervous. While I appreciate that they are usually well intentioned, it can sometimes be hard to get out of graciously.

Thanks for the great advice!

Noah

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Noah

I feel the same way. I always get nervous whenever someone says they have the perfect girl for me because I’ve had some doozies in way of who is perfect for me.

I’m glad you enjoyed the advice!

Jason

http://seekingpastor.wordpress.com seekingpastor

I’ve really only tried to be a matchmaker once. And it WORKED! They dated and married and are still married 12 years or so later. I’m not messing with my track record.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Whoa dude – yea definitely don’t mess with that track record!

Laura Hendricks

The last time I accidently set people up…it was my friends Mallory and Patrick…they dated 3 months and got engaged….they got married Saturday. I just don’t have that luck for myself. I’m hopeful the the pickier I am the more God will challenge my future husband to grow and trust in him…right? Being a Christian gal in their mid-twenties that’s single, people tend to wonder why.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Just make sure you aren’t being too picky. There is a difference between having standards and looking for someone who is perfect (which doesn’t exist). It’s great to have standards, and I always challenge people to come up with standards, but you have to ask yourself what are your non-negotiables and what are your preferences. You might be surprised who God brings in your life that you might not see if you have too picky of a list.

http://www.youthleadersacademy.com Rachel

Came across this post via Twitter and thought it was both hilarious and sad. I can’t say that I know how it feels, I got married at the young age of 21. But I do happen to have a lot of single friends and I’ve promised myself and them I would never try my hand at matchmaking…where there are hearts involved, you have to be really, really careful.
Can I add one teeny critical note however? I have noticed a tendency with some single men to focus on appearances. There is this really sweet girl (or woman actually, she’s mid twenties) in our church who is a real Christian, who has a good job and is smart, she has a great sense of humor and who is easy to talk to. Yet two guys told me they weren’t interested because she wasn’t pretty. That actually hurt me, because I don’t consider myself ‘pretty’ either, but I know I’m a great wife to my husband. If he had applied the same ‘standard’ we would have missed out on a wonderful marriage together. So I just wanted to say this: even if a girl is a head taller than you are, she might just be the perfect match for you. My sister in law is more than a head taller than my brother in law and they have been married for more than fifteen years! I’m just saying…

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Thanks for stopping by and reading Rachel!

I do agree with you, men tend to put a lot of emphasis on looks. Some of it is just how we are wired – we are more visual creatures – but some of it is just being shallow. I’m definitely not picky when it comes to looks (I’m not looking for Miss America here) but I believe there has to be some physical attraction for the relationship to work. What I find attractive and what others find attractive definitely aren’t the same, but if there has to be some level of physical attraction, if that makes sense.

Micah

I fully agree with this, J. Physical attraction IS important in choosing or finding a mate, or whatever you want to call it. Everyone has a different view of what is beautiful, and as such you can’t get mad or upset if a certain guy or girl isn’t into you or isn’t attractive. It’s not something you can change, anymore than a person’s love or hate for Beethoven, Stryper, or Aerosmith. Some people like or are attracted to certain things and looks, and others aren’t. That’s simply being human and being different.
On a side note to the ladies from a single man, don’t think that looks are everything to a man. I dated one of the hottest girls that I know and both the physical and personal attraction was REALLY strong right away. But when I began dating her, I found that there was no one to get to know. I tried in vain to draw that person out so that I could see what her heart was like, but I came up dry. She was gorgeous, but there was no one to learn and have fun with. A real man knows that it is not just about looks, it is about the person inside too. Sure she looks great, but is she great? Beauty is more than looks, but beauty is going to be different to each man. Don’t be offended! And don’t take it personally. There are plenty of girls who aren’t attraced to me physically. But I understand the need to be physically attracted, and so I don’t feel terribly at all. It is just the way it is.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

Micah – you said this MUCH better than I did. Thank you!
Jonathan B

Agreed, well said Micah! Looks shouldn’t be our main factor, but they are a legitimate factor. Ideally, you’re going to spend the rest of your life having sex with the person you marry, so it would be good if that prospect was at least appealing, since God designed sex as one of the components of bonding within a marriage.

We all have our preferences. I know tall girls that won’t date a guy who’s shorter than them. I know guys who won’t date a girl who’s taller than them. Tastes vary. There are women who are highly paid supermodels that I don’t think are even pretty. Obviously there are at least enough sponsors who DO think they’re pretty to keep them in the highly paid category. :> If you want to waste a couple of hours, just start my friends who are fans of the Lord of the Rings movies in an argument on whether Arywn or Eowyn is prettier.

It hurts to be told someone doesn’t find you attractive. But you can’t let a lack of attraction on someone’s part define how you view yourself and what value you believe you have.

http://duane-scott.net/ Duane Scott

I know the perfect girl for you…

Okay, I don’t.

But if I did, I’d definitely try.

These people who hook you up just want you to be happy. But maybe you’ll be one of those 60 year old bachelors. I can think of worse things.

Say, for instance, getting married then getting a divorce.

Yep, that’d be worse.

http://www.jasonvana.com/about Jason Vana

I’d definitely be nervous about your “perfect girl” for me. I’d probably end up on a date with a Cheeto-eating Squirrel…lol.

And 60 year old bachelor?! Um…I’m saving up for my mail order Russian bride. I should have enough by the time I’m 40. =D

http://jenn3.wordpress.com/ jenn

I’m not a single guy, so maybe I have no business commenting, but I’m going to anyway.

As a single mother, I have had to deal with quite a few matchmakers. No lie, if a single guy between the ages of 20 and 70 (only a slight exaggeration) walks into my church, EVERY woman at the church, and half of the men, become matchmakers.

And if it isn’t bad enough for a guy to walk into a church and instantly get matched to someone, the fact that I’m a single mom makes it worse in my opinion. A child usually scares men off anyway, so I always assume that men are probably slightly insulted when people try to set them up with me.

I live in a small town where everyone gets married at 12 years old (again, only a SLIGHT exaggeration), so there aren’t many (any?) single guys my age. I’m finally at an age where some guys in my age group are getting divorced, but I’m just not ready to date a divorced guy. That might be mean, since I’m divorced, but my situation is different than most and the majority of divorced people that I have met are so bitter. It always seems like a competition to see who gets remarried first. I would rather stay single. (Not to say I would never date someone who is divorced, but I would have to know alot more about them first. Even though I’m divorced, I still strongly believe in ” ’til death do we part”. Sometimes things happen, but I think the majority of divorces could and should be avoided.)

So, how do I deal with matchmakers? By not dating AT ALL. After five years of not dating, people have pretty much given up. Even my grandmother doesn’t quiz me about men anymore. I figure this is a way for me to disprove the idea that all single moms are needy and looking for a man. The bad part is, after 5 years, I think I am finally at a point where I wouldn’t mind dating, but everyone would start planning my wedding after one date. So maybe the no dating for five years thing isn’t a good suggestion….

Oh, and just to add to your list of the kinds of dates people try to set you up on, one older woman at my church tried to set me up with her son. Her son was 42 (I was 27 at the time), had four kids, had a drinking problem, wasn’t a Christian, didn’t have a job, had been married THREE times, and was living with his mom. She said, “He needs a nice girl like you.” Really? REALLY?! I admit I was a bit insulted by that one, and by the fact that the other women with us agreed with her.

Okay… so I should probably delete this comment since it’s so crazy long, but I’m not going to. I’m thinking this might be something I should blog about, since I obviously have some opinions about it. Anyway, I’m posting this comment a month late so I doubt anyone will see it.

Jonathan B

@jenn I love the older woman who tried to set you up with her son bit! Sounds like her son really might need a nice girl, but a nice girl doesn’t need hi@53a49344dc9d90d433a512d88169b3c0:disqus m!

Jonathan B

OK, that last word should be “him”, not…however I managed to get your profile link in the middle of it.

http://jenn3.wordpress.com/ jenn

Yeah, I told my pastor and his wife about it later (I’m really close to them, so they are pretty much like family) and they died laughing. They teased me for months.

Lehendricks87

I am 23, and I used to work at a hospital. One of the docs I worked for was almost 40 at the time, I was 22 just barely and one of the nurses who was kind of like everyone’s mom one day was like “Tony, you should take Laura out. She needs a nice man and you need a nice independent woman” and he said “Nah, she’s too cool for me”

My pastor and his wife are very good friends of mine also. She’s a nurse and now whenever they get a new young resident she sends me taunting text messages.